Total Siyapaa Picture Review


I’m Ali Zafar and I play myself in this movie, you know, a charismatic Pakistani singer. Someone remind me to wear looser pants in my next film, this pair is emphasizing my matchstick legs.

Come luv, gale lag ja in slow motion before the UK cops nab me for saying the word “bomb.”

 And I play his Indian, Bengali looking Punjabi fiance. I’m a news reporter in London. When I want to kiss my fiance, I put my hand over his mouth and kiss my hand. Yuck who wants germs! As soon as the cops stop searching for bomb materials in his bag, I will take Aman to meet my family. I told my family he’s Muslim and they’re totally cool with it but I forgot to mention that he’s Pakistani. And they hate Pakistanis. Whoops.

India mein kahan rehte ho beta?

Hehe. 

Ohh.
There is only one thing left to do. I will go and entertain the little kid with the container of frozen soup in the kitchen…. which consequently will slip out of my hand, out of the kitchen window and land on a bald man’s head.

So. Asha. I think I killed someone with the container of frozen soup.

 Pshhtt! That was fate! If you hadn’t dropped the soup on his head, someone else would have! Don’t worry. 

I think that was your dad.

What?! You killed my dad?!
Meanwhile dady ji is taken to the hospital from which he walks out. He loses his memory. And since people who lose their memory also lose logic, he thinks that a London call girl who comes up to him in the street is his wife.

I play the father in this film. Yes, I’m the same actor who played caring, lovable father and friend roles throughout the 80s and 90s. Now I enjoy playing characters that do nothing for my acting career and that ruin my image.

Not only is dad missing, but he was cheating on momma too! Let’s go search for dad at his office. 

Daddy is not here. Let me dance and flirt with my would-be sister-in-law. Free advertising for my music album. Yes!
After several fake fights later, daddy comes back home and the couple make up. 

Asha: I want to be with you so that we can fight. 
Aman: Aww, how sweet.

Why did we sign this film?

Wait, why did they arrest me in the beginning of the film? Weren’t they going to tie it to something?

Don’t look at me. I always make films like this.

 

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